The past year flew by and though I experienced a number of highlights, I didn't accomplish anything. A lot of things I like to do, I did a lot less, and things I don't really care to do, I did a lot more. I'm mixed up by habitual contradiction. A life style of a fractured brain... bah, on to what I want to blab about.

For over a decade, I've had a secondary interest that producing audio with the delusion that I would, in some way, generate an income from it. I started to mess with production back in 2000 on the suggestion from a friend, 'dude, we can make our own raps and shit.' It was the most fun I had making tunes ever because I had my friends to share it with and had laughs showing it to others.
At the same time, I was attending a school for broadcast communications, primarily interested in being a radio personality but, fell into production there as well. So, my problem became keeping the music fun for my friends AND myself because I had to get serious if I was going to make production my career. Being serious about some things tends to kill their fun... I never worked in broadcasting after the school.

I was in my early 20's, I had a lot of time to make up my mind (technically, that may sound correct but, time has an odd multidimensional function that takes the idea of having a lot of it and condenses it into a nugget of shit it calls your life). Basically, I had so many other things I wanted to do that I couldn't focus on music production solely and it became something I'd do every now and then instead of playing a video game. Previously, making tunage would tie good times and fond memories of friends together. Now, its just a puzzle to assist me with procrastination.

On top of the fun being out of the music, my physical health wants to bury the sound puzzle part now. The last tune I "completed", No More Man, I spent 12 hours on and when I was ready to master, I couldn't believe how badly I fucked up the EQ. I thought I had my sounds balanced but, I couldn't hear frequencies in my right ear that I know I put in there (ya know, cuz my left can hear the shit). DAMN IT, this is my point, why the fuck am I spending 12 hours on this audio shit (that I'm not gonna make any money with) if I can't even fucking hear it correctly?! If I can't hear it correctly, it's gotta to sound extra shitty to properly working ears. I'm being reality checked, mate. (paragraph bad word count: fucks=3 vs shits=3, tie game... ok, technically 4 to 4 but, its still a draw)

A bit disheartening, I was working on 6 other projects I'd love to know how they turn out but, I can't finish them. Definitely because I can't hear very well, and partly because I'm just not in love with sound right now. I don't think we're going to be on speaking terms for a while.

I need a change. I want to change again.

(I'll start with my undergarments for no reason other than to do it, not because I peppered it with a dense expulsion of gas.)

...ot keam a gnache, ouy vaeh ot rotysde twah ouy cone vedol.

Every now and then something really surprises me. Like taking home that wasted vietnamese cosmetologist from the bar in the hopes of hitting that sweet pu-tang only to find she's a trans-gender pre-op with a penis like a meat bat. I mean, whaaaA?!?!

I just heard a tune on here that literally shocked me how good it was. I have been impressed by the quality, the feeling, the musicianship of a lot of songs on here but, cheesy lice, this one is special to me. I almost cried when it was over. I literally teared up. I realized that I don't have to make the sounds I want to hear anymore because someone else is doing it for me. And Better.

The main reason I started to mess around with music was for me and my friends to make goofy songs and play them in our cars like the coolest retards that were permitted to drive. I kept it up sporadically, filling in my bouts of disappointment with what was on the radio. That disappointment pushed me to find the sounds I wanted to hear and basically the only reason I have, sorry, had left to continue with music. (ok, one other time I heard what I wanted to hear... just check out she-nebula... its a good start for she's music)

Anyjizz, the song is Syntax (Demo) by xKore. ???? Qual to the MAx.

P.s. I'm not really going to stop with tuneage. I'm addicted to wearing reality canceling headphones.

The internet makes me tired.

Maybe not the internet but, I find myself reading some kind of bullshit on it until I pass out. My sleeping pattern is all out of order. I'm awake at least 24 hours at a time before I can sleep and that part usually lasts 4 to 6 hours. That sucks for me because I love to sleep. A lot. Trying to "make music" doesn't help either.

The last four attempts at music were done during my exhausted states and it shows. I'm the first to admit that I can't produce what is considered good or popular or special but, I've been working to learn to. The trouble is my ears have a specific gravity toward more odd sounds and less "music." Shit, what was I going to say...

I'm on brother's computer and he's got these 2.1 Klipsch speakers and they are pretty impressive. So, I decide to listen to my creations and man, I am disappointed. Ok, Self Servo sounds a lot like how I would want it to, even Precious isn't too far off (still is), but You'll Miss Her... fuck. I was secretly proud of the arrangement considering the sounds that are in it but my vocals, what the hell? In my head phones I'm like, "yeah, I'm all in my head like some fucking paradox," then I listen to it on these speakers and I can hear all these off-key, flat/sharp notes. I can't sing for shit.

OK, point: doing stuff when I'm tired all the time is very close to being high or drunk... for me at least. My neck is so fucking jacked, it messes with my right ear, like TMJ or some junk. I just want to be good at something and know it. One thing, maybe? Yeah, one is fine.
Looks like I'll have to take a break from this life magnet again and fix my body... prepare it for fight or flight. Seriously, the Gulf of Mexico is a crude oil toilet and my music isn't going to help clean it up. The best thing is to be fit enough to escape the disasters on the planet and live long enough to be a part of the apocalypse, the winning side of it, if there is one. LOL DOOM :D

Somebody asked a forum of gamers to listen to some of his music last night. Some cool ass dude responded with kind ears. Me. I listened to the stranger's music and was pleased. I even referred the guy here, newgrounds, to get more exposure and possibly some constructive feedback. Then I remembered that I have an account here, too. Why haven't I been on it in months?

I have a new addiction on top of the already life threatening ones, Toribash. Good gravy, is that game maddeningly addictive. Played for 14 strait hours once. Stopped for a crap and to eat some shit and that's about it (I didn't crap and then eat my shit... it's the other way circle). I even skipped out on Blackhawks tickets for the damn thing. Toribash aids my avoidance disorder, if I've got one. And this somehow relates to music...

The last tune (Precious) I tossed up here was finished (unfinished) back in February but, I didn't want to post it. I mean, I can't seem to finish any ideas I have anymore and I'm positive it stems from underlying problems:

1. I have a compulsion to explain everything. I don't know why but, I think everyone needs to know everything I do, and about what they do, and what you do, and what it does. To combat this, I avoid talking at all. What the fuck?

2. Emotionally, I'm pretty fucking frigid when it comes to any type of relations. Which isn't healthy when comes to dealing with people, ya know? I feign almost all care until... until I get some liquor... then I'm an explosion. Hysterical is accurate. Again, that isn't healthy when presented to human relations.

3. I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that there is nobody left to impress. That is to say, at one time, most people I associated with were worth impressing or allowed me to impress upon them, well, anything. Would I be incorrect in my perception that all other living skin sacks require some level of monitoring? Sorry, I meant recognition of their self expressed "abilities"? (I have a notion that points 1 & 2 are being reflected in this section)

LOL Communities sustained solely by information technologies can't possibly satisfy any organism.

I farted.

After my last couple of musical efforts, I've noticed that I've learned a bit more about sound clarity. I listen to the "instruments" individually and too often fall in the love with them solo, neglecting the fact that it they are a part of a collection of others. The results are heavy and soft final mixes that require some fussing with the EQ in whatever it's playing on to get some of the high end out. I might be able to fix some of the damage I've already done.

I've discovered a premaster equalizer arrangement that might raise my tunes out of the pillowy mid-range and into a higher, crispy potato chip, frequency... or what have you. This is kind of a big deal for me because I'm comfortable with how all my old tunes sound and I feel that by trying to improve them (just the sound of the already recorded MP3s, not re-touching anything in the assemblies themselves), I might lose whatever I liked about them in the first place.

REALIZATION

Hahaa, I'm writing to myself every time I post on the internet! Truthfully, I don't give a shit about these narcissistic scribblings. Thoughts, being energy, can travel anywhere... why the hell am I wasting time talking to myself about what I want to do when I can just do it? Fucking LOLiver. Get out of your chair and climb the tree, AM DANDY. 09=10

So, my brain is damaged. I mean, I've been diagnosed with a disorder or two but, no one's actually peered into the mammoth shell that is my head to see if the ol' fatty electric is misfiring. Who give's a chicken, you ask? Well, I'm just sayin'. All I'm sayin' is that's all I'm sayin'. Know what I'm sayin'?

I guess I show up here every couple a weeks, which is less than I'd like to but, I'm afraid of the internet... Sucks me in... SUCKS US ALL IN!!! OH MY GAAAWWW

Point I'm trying to make and failing at: I appreciate y'allz reviews and stuff and I like to go and review the reviewer's stuff, too. I like listening and posting in big chunks, ya see. There are plenty of reviews I already have that I'm going back through until I get some new ones but, yeah... ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR YOU

Oh, and I don't know if 8mb upload restriction is gonna cut it for an idea I'm working on. That last tune, AG-D-R, was really 11.3mb and I had to sacrifice a little teeny bit of the resolution to drop it to an acceptable size. If anyone one knows of some free, large, audio storage let me know because I may eventually have a 15mb file one of these days.

This is for no one.

The only way to be truly different and not conform is to never remain the same. Never own a label. Remove entitlement. Refuse to be tiered. Lay claimless and move steadfast.

disconnect

...so, if you read it, I apologize. I'm disturbed. I am not cool.

I have something else that isn't for the general public, something for one dick knuckle in particular:

Go away. Stop coming over here to bother me. Go poison someone else's life, I'm already dead to you. Resume jerking-off to World of Warcraft.